Anyone else having a rough go of it lately? You’re not alone.
The war in Europe. Climate change. Mental and physical illness. The world can feel like a dark place at times.
As facilitator of an amazing online community, I’m privy to some of the joys as well as the sorrows the group chooses to share, and recently my members have faced pain, surgeries, caregiving challenges, Alzheimer’s, sick and dying parents, the passing of a spouse and even the unimaginable grief of losing a child.
Personally, I’ve had some struggles as well. My father was recently in the hospital—again—and I wonder how in the world I can help him while encouraging him to be independent at the same time. Owning your own business is incredibly stressful, and while Rob is amazing…these things can put a real strain on a relationship. (Not to mention two people working from home in a small bungalow with one bathroom or moving to a new city during a pandemic🤪)
It’s not all good
I’m not a fan of the popular expression, “It’s all good,” because let’s be honest, it’s not always that way.
There is plenty in our world today, individually and collectively, that is just plain awful. Why try and put lipstick on a pig? (I do love that expression💋)
So, when things suck, what in the world can you do? While I’m no expert at staying calm, cool and collected under stress, I do have some suggestions.
Here’s my process:
1. Acknowledge reality: My father is struggling with health issues, and since we longer live in the same town, it’s hard for us both. That sucks. But as much as I wish it weren’t true, I need to accept that it is.
2. Close the gap: The difference between the way things are and the way we wish they were is our suffering, so look to close that gap.
Rather than: My father is in poor health (reality); I wish I could be there to help him…(the way I wish things were.)
I can try on: Okay, this is probably going to be really hard, but I will take one step at a time to help dad figure this out.
Accept reality✔
Close the gap✔
3. Get out of the muck. Have you noticed when things are hard we tend to spend a lot of time talking, thinking and ruminating about the situation? We replay the conversation (or create imaginary ones in our heads), re-read the email, and vent to our friends, ad nauseum. Helpful? Maybe for a bit…but after a while it just keeps us stuck in the muck.
In neuroscientist Jill Bolte-Taylor’s memoir, My Stroke of Insight, she notes that the physiological lifespan of an emotion in the body and brain is 90 seconds. The sensations—the jolt of adrenaline, a burst of anxiety, tightness in the throat, that sick feeling in your stomach, hurried heartbeat—these all naturally emerge, peak and dissolve on their own.
90 seconds.
What keeps the pain fresh and raw in your body, heart and mind is the meaning that you make of what happened, the stories you tell, usually about what should have happened instead.
Accept reality✔
Close the gap✔
Move on…not so easy
How then?
Admittedly, getting out of the muck might be the hardest part of this process. How can you acknowledge the reality of your situation, close the gap, feel the feelings and then get on with things?
Moving forward in the midst of a crisis is often much easier said than done, but it is a practice worth cultivating. Over time it will get easier, and the time you spend down in the murky waters will shorten. Thankfully, there are practices that can help, such as the Loving Kindness Meditation. Read more about it here.